Here we go again... I find myself laying wide awake in the middle of the night thinking about B's next surgery. It's been such a blessing to have been through the first hard step and come out with such great results. I thought that I would feel much better and more relaxed about the next surgery since we have been through a tough one already. But, the opposite is true. My doubts start to creep in all over again. I find myself questioning again. Questioning God's decision to give Brennan this birth defect. Questioning our decision to help correct it.... It's an endless amount of doubt setting in. We've been through a lot recently and I'm feeling vulnerable with my negative emotions. It's placed me literally on my knees and crying out to God to get us through this next step. I've felt so beaten down with our recent trials and I'm emotionally drained to have to go through this next process.
B is developing so much everyday. I can literally have a full conversation with him now! It's so much fun. 3 1/2 years old is such a fun age! The stuff he says is hilarious. I laugh all the time at the things he comes up with. He is such a good big brother to his little sister. He is so protective of her at the playground. He is getting so much better about sharing his toys with her. He breaks out into a dance move whenever he hears music. He LOVES smoothies. He is such a great sleeper at night (yes!). He's great at puzzles. Randomly throughout the day he comes up to me and hugs me and says, "I love you Mommy." ... He melts my heart. And it breaks my heart to know that we have to put him through another surgery.
I know my emotions will be up and down for the next 7 weeks. I can't wait to get it over with. And I can't wait for the long recovery road to be over with too.
I sit and think about all the things I have learned and how much I have grown in the last 2 1/2 months since his last surgery. I have learned more to appreciate all the little things in life. I have learned to lean closer to Joel as my support and partner in this. I have learned to cherish every moment with my kiddos. I have learned the true gift of giving to others (as others have shown me by helping us financially, through cards and emails, through meals delivered to us...) I have learned the contentment of staying home with my family more and not being such a 'busy body' being out and about with them all the time. I have learned the beauty in true friendships and support systems. I have learned to appreciate all the things I DO have and not obsess over the things I "wish I had." Above all else, I have grown closer to my Lord Jesus Christ. So, as hard as the next step will be, I do look forward to all the new lessons I will learn along the way!
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13 years ago
2 comments:
You got me again.. You are such an inspiration to me. I feel so much of what you say it's almost scary! You say it all so perfectly! Everytime I come on to read what is new with the Givens I cry at least once about one or more of your post! Thanks for sharing so much of what and how you are feeling... it makes me remember that I'm not alone and will get through it all! I am so sorry to hear all that has been going on with your family... God is good and he will answer your prayers! XOXO's to all of you and when things settle down I would love to get together with the kids for a play date!
thank you so much for sharing this. i have been praying for you and the anxiety of 'it all'... and i mean ALL. you are an amazing person & you are doing amazing. proud of you.
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